Numbness

a tad hurt at her nonchalance regarding the wedding,
maybe i hurt her with my betrayal, our easy acceptance of him.
the ease in welcoming him back into our lives.
bro says she was deeply hurt. by our betrayal.
maybe our views on the subject matter are not aligned. given our positions.
at this point in time, with the wedding upcoming, it does not matter much anymore.
my heart is kinda immure, from the many rounds of battering.
i am unable to discuss the matter with her, the lack of interest from her.
the dear says i've been affected, with my unconscious venting of frustrations over small matters.
i wonder how long i can keep the facade up?
that everything is progressing well unilaterally.
for every non response cuts at the fabric of the whole. i act cheerful, i joke, when tears are welling up within. time after time.
in retrospect, i could have handled confessions better.
but, keeping too much secrets is a burden on itself. i felt relieved, to have come clean on the matter. or perhaps, some things are best left unsaid. as i have learn the hard way.
why? does the ties of kin fade with the passage of time?
sometimes i wonder, what constitutes significant to her?
or perhaps, the hurt i caused her, is the most significant aspect of the issue.

A whole lota books

i luv trawling expo for mega sale events. cheap gets.. it brings out the auntie in moi.
the Borders sale this weekend was the best ever.
we went for the metro sale on thursday, and saw the poster that Borders was having a sale.. hee
so we popped by on friday nite to check out the first ever borders expo sale.
imagine my ecstasy when i found that the books were literally going for a song.
great books for $4 and in pristine condition..
wat more can a auntiey book lover ask for?
and there were many many genres to choose from.
i thought i had died and gone to literary heaven..
piles and piles of great books. at $4 -$12 plus.
wah hoo.. i manged to restraint my self yah,
or rather, the dear one restrained moi..
i only lagged back 10 ( one belonging to the dearie).. compared to the many book lovers who were carrying truckloads..
am currently reading the chick read book..
there's still the jaime oliver book .. the book on tibet, the book on the famous egyptian queen..
the book on Indian cultures.. and many others..
hee.. super duper happy with my purchases.. :)
looking forward to the next expo borders book sale.. ;p

tits a jolly good show

am not really a movie buff but my luv of movies began in my honors year at uni.
the fantasy world of the unreal brings me away from the mandate everyday, from stress.
i find myself wanting to watch more movies when ever i'm stressed..
it must be that planning for the big day is getting to me..

finally managed to catch The Dark Knight.. at Bugis yesterday, the last day of the free tixs the dear one had.
tits really a great show.Christian Bale makes a great batman.. Heath Ledger wonderful as joker in his swan song..
as well as the slow descent into darkness for Harvey Dent.. indeed, for life can be truly a binary.
was the joker mad in his quest to challenge the norms/moral codes defined by society?
moral sanctions imposed upon the amoral by the self defined moral? a tit bit freudian i would say.
hee hee.. tits beyond moi..
but tits really a jolly good show. to moi.. :)

Dah..

the other departments are exploring the effects of new media..and certainly keeping up with the times.
my unit? the big boss is still draconian and runs the unit like his mini empire.
sometimes i truly wonder whether the organization is the same one whole?
it must be just me, why do i take in so much crap from mediocre leadership ?
my extreme skepticism has made me increasingly vocal during internal meetings.
Systemic structural fault seems my fav quote these days. its not for lack of effort in wanting to push for changes.
the place does not encourage individualsim, i think i am getting increasingly stupid by the day.
i gotta move. after the wedding. i promise.

Wedding Blues

think i'm a kinda slack bride.. unlikely that i'll turn into bridezilla anytime soon.. well, after all, isn't it the life after the wedding that matters? chill.. hope the wedding wun turn out to be a big flop yah.. ;p

Our 2-in-1 2008

these days, we are fairy busy with the house reno..
penny pinching with the limited budget which we have since busted big time..
lights, fittings, furnishings, curtains, bed,crockery etc etc..
a new house, our new home, a new phase in life..
getting highly domesticated by the day..
tits tiring to do both the house and the wedding together..
not to mention the extensive damage on the wallet and the depleting savings..
we gotta save, we gotta invest, i gotta move, i gotta learn to cook (highly inspired by the food blogs i've been reading.. yum) after this busy busy 2-in-1 year of ours..

Another daunting week at work

Its really these days whereby the buttering from the top gets too daunting..
that the urge to be more humane to myself surfaces..
should i stay or move?
the pay increments have just been announced. and its damn attractive..
but my battered soul may not be able to hold on for longer
for i have always felt that work culture could be better at other organisations,
perhaps i really should move, in Oct, after the wedding..
so that i can do something more satisfying..maybe just not in monetary terms.
anyways i like other colours besides blue..
okies. deal. job-searching in Oct 08. remind me, will ya?
of how truly shitty i felt, being blamed for something that was not my fault.
for not being allowed to do value added tasks in accordance to my pay.
there must be something that suits me outside, right?

The CHY movies

The year of the Rat is here,

and we managed to catch the 3 lunar new year movies..

the dear one ranks them as follows:

1) Kung fu dunk for the overall story

2) CJ7 for stephen chow's jokes although the pacing was slow

3) Ah long Pte Ltd... the critics were right!

ha ha.. although i would think that being able to laugh at familar no brainer jokes is a blessing in itself. not the dear, who finds the plot and jokes predictable. i would think that its a subjective thingy, for everyone has differing perceptions of what constitutes a good movie.. to me, the chance to escape into the Reel world for that short moment in time with the unfolding story, is worth the tix price. just knew i would not make a good movie critic!
I must really watch more movies this year!

Blogging?

i read an article on bloging in which the writer wrote of the change in the manner in which she approached the activity. The writer wrote that when she first started blogging, she wrote about very freely about anything and everything, akin to writing to a diary. writing anonymously. now, she has started to write for an audience and no longer write about things close to her heart. topics are limited to certain boundaries and written to impress. for you would never know who is reading. in the complexity that is the cyber world.

indeed, if the begining of blogging represented an outlet for the expression of self. a paperless method of detailing your thoughts and a record of your activities. however, with the proliferation of the activity, the advancement of technology and an entire generation of tech savvy cyber users in the information age, the blog moves from the private into the public sphere. with the possiblity of being linked to the blog thru various methods, the blog is an alternative to the mass media. the concept of the social construction and presentation of self in the cyber. maybe golfman's theorys of presentation of self are applicable, with there being an inner/outer binary.

it would be interesting to do a sociological discourse on the subject matter. in fact, facebooking would be another cyber social activity that is worth a discursive study. and the irony of the matter, it is beyond doubt that i am gulity of the above, as well.

Being a presenter

presenting is never my forte.. butterflies would gather in the unsettled tummy.. with the cheeks burning a bright red.. and the mind freezing into blankness..humpz.. many a presentations later.. its still the same.. shicks

really need to polish up on my presentation skills......... ;p

An alternate kind of chilling out

Since the dear gal has gotten her own place, we've been hanging out a fair bit at her lovely baroque themed house.Great conversation, free flowing red and white wine paired with cheese and crackers.We've become fans of take-away. Sushi, pizza, simply divine desserts like tiramisu from da palo's.. slurp..

I would say that noisy countdown parties and crowded places no longer appeals to us. Its the passage of time, we have moved past that stage.. for the cosy comfy ambience of jinny's place suits us fine. hee.. and the dear gal has been generously volunteering her place. Guess we'll all take turns to do the hosting when we have our own places.

Tits been a great start to the new year.. and i look forward to more cosy homey gatherings with wonderful company, stimulating conversation, good food in 2008..although there is always the danger of getting too tipsy with wine.. ;p

Ushering in 2008

We are a week into the new year,
cost of living is increasing with prices of everyday goods increasing
tits a good time for moi to rethink my spending habits..

1. Resturants only on weekdays afternoons (e.g Jake's Place's Set lunches are pretty value for money although we will inevitably end up hunting for resturants on weekends.. haiz )
2. Mass markets brands are value for money. ( The dear says i'll prob still buy my branded bags while he dresses in bossini)
3. Hawker food is yummy if you noe where to find framed makansutra cooks.(But we don't know where to queue..)
4. Home cooked food is best in terms of everything.( The dear says this is true if its his mum's cooking.. ;p)
5. Cosy gatherings at fre's place with great takeaway totally digs. (Spizza does delivery.. hee but that's kinda ex too.. opps)
6.Coupon cutting and buying when there is discounts is not aunty.(If we can find the coupons when we need erm.. )
7. The dear says less holidays means less money spent (which i totally disagree on principle, coz travel is everything to moi)

If we can adhere to the above, i'm sure we will survive rising oil prices.inflation and what not :)

Haiz.. Not much for new year resolutions..
Just to stay healthy
Just for the loved ones to stay healthy
Just for the career path to be smooth
Just to loss some weight and start working out
Just to stay connected with my dearest fres
Just to save more money
Just to add more countries to the travel list
Just to have my own place and a lovely wedding
and to get the elusive driving licence..!

Although thats alot to ask for, yah?

2007 in Summary..

tits was a year of a new posting, a new work environment.. alot of work milestones
tits a year of work, late nights, take away lunches and dinner
nothing much to show for the year
nothing much to take away for the year
except for the times i cherish, with my loved ones, my dear dear and my dearest fres
oh, and the 4 weddings and 1 baby birth in dec

2008 will be an eventful year, a year of changes in my life.
2007's simpleness is a blessing in itself, for i am not adaptive to changes.

Christmas Christmas

its the season for giving and luving..
was great meeting up with the pastries @ irins..
the foods great, but the lovely golden xmas tree with the blinking lights was truely the highlight..not to forget the gift xchange which got everyone swooning over the gifts they got..
i truely luv dec, and Christmas..
the season for luving and sharing..
for meeting up with dear old friends..
more gatherings to come..
i hope next year the new place will be up and blinking shiny from the lights of my very own xmas tree.. :)

Sweet 3 years

tis our 3rd year anniverasry. time flies. different from the eloborated and well-planned wedding proposal of last year, the day was simple but no less sweet. we are on long leave, which sets the mood. we started the day with gingerbread latte and carrot cake at coffee bean. the dear one got me a pretty mug and a tin of flavored blueberry tea for the office. so sweet of him, for its just wat i wanted. dinner was buffet at changi village hotel.. seafood and bbq buffet at salt water cafe from the vouchers we've won at CVH's wedding show. we stuffed ourselves silly with the oysters and the bbq meats before moving to Hanamco's for after dinner drinks and chips. liked the way the big chunk of ice slowly melts in my calamansi juice, just like the way they serve drinks over at affiliated charlie's corner.



we strolled down the row of pubs and coffee shops. really luv the changi village area with its laidback charm. i find it less pretencious than the holland v area. am starting to enjoy the unfamilar streets in the east side. from the katong, east coast area to the markets next to our new place at bedok. guess the undomesticated moi and the dear one would be eating out fairly often around the area. its a sweetly endearing simple 3rd year celebration. we'll do our weekend getaways when the budget's not so tight for next year's expected expenditures.. ;p

Paper Writing

writing a paper is like fitting pieces of a jigsaw into a complete picture. Once the smaller pieces have formed, you see the big picture. provided you are a good jigsaw puzzle solver in the first place. am getting rusty. procrastination looms. damn. feels like a uni student again, albeit one with a rusty underused mind.. ;p

A well spent Sat..

the dear one and i went for a wedding show at Changi Village Hotel.. imagine my surpise when i saw a familar face in the sea of couples.. yupz. met kian ming and his galfriend. They were checking out the hotel as a ROM venue.. i must say i am very taken with the beautiful unkempt seaside views of the surroundings, the poolside with the fallen leaves. tis would be a great place to get married in..for ROM, for the ballroom is small for the dinner and the dear felt that the dishes were too salty. However, the hotel is really rustic and a good place for a local weekend getaway.

he wants to do a 2 in 1 thingy.. so that we can save the extra money spent for the ROM, oh wellz.. we can, if we can book a venue in 2008 , else, its good to do it on diff days. hmm.. if it were up to moi, i could do with just the ROM and not the dinner, for the fres you invite to the ROM would prob be the ones you value the most.. that said, part of me still wants the relatives to noe that mom mom had brought us up well, in spite of everything.. haiz.. diff decision. oh wellz..

anyways, we managed to sign up for a bridal package at the wedding show.. jinny's advice was not to sign up for the bridal package without previewing the growns actually available at the shop. oh wellz. the dear one and moi are prob to lazy to walk the whole of tanjong pagar. i like the simple and clean design style of the designer, fingers crossed that we did not make a hasty decision. realised that i do not like fancyful eloborated styles but something plain and simple. hopefully things will turn out wellz..

just realised that changi vilage area is a rather vibrant place, with many eating places, pubs and watering holes. the hawker centre has loads of yummy food. we had great fish and chips at Charlie's Corner, a charming place by the side of the hawker centre. the food's great, so i gather we would be making more trips to the area for makan..even if we are not going to pulau ubin.. ;p

Childhood Memories

Bittersweet.. its the first time after so long that he peeled prawns for me. in the many years that followed, i have come to not expect anything from him. The cooking style has changed, or so he claimed. We never used to have fish and prawns when we lived there. it was always only mommie who cooked the good stuff for us. the steam fish, prawns , veg and soup which he cooked was meant as an avenue he showed affection and care for us, the way the older generation expressed themselves. An elaborated meal by his standards..

Having a meal there, at the same home of yester years.. mixed emotions. for we have betrayed her, her love and her unconditional giving to us both by having a meal with him. but he will always be linked to us both. we have moved far far away with the passing of time but the locked memories of the past resurfaced yesterday.. in the familar place i used to call home. the person whom should have been part of my life and bros. he has aged significantly. it takes time to mend broken bridges, for he has been absent from a major part of our growing up years. its not easy, and the guilt at betraying mommie weighs greatly on moi.

He commented that he was the one who cared for us when we were younger, when mom mom cared only for other things. its the self delusion of an elderly person? i dun noe and dun wanna dwell too much into the past, for i have moved on and so have bro. no one is wrong in such matters, he has his flaws and to moi, mom mom is the person who brought me up. but, he too.. in the gap years that mom mom lived elsewhere. Its too late to comment on what has passed, whose faults it was.

Mixed feelings. Sadness.. bittersweet..for in the many years that followed, we had taken him completely out of our lives. its not easily to establish relationships, even harder to mend broken ones. but we are trying.. for i noe he cared deeply for bro and bro does care for him too. He has also moved on , his is a simple life with a new partner that suits him. am glad that he has someone who loves him and takes care of him. at least he is not a lonely man. for we can only see him occassionally. i dread breaking mom mom's heart, but he is kin too.. and an old man trying to find back his children. whatever wrong doings in the past, is past and no one's fault. hmm.. an awkard relationship this is.

Moving On?!

today's peaceful crowd at the workplace is an unusual sight in the 9 months i have been at the unit. i left around 730 with the dear one, for sushi was going cheap cheap at sakae.. and auntie moi just gotta have my sushi , yah! feels good to have time to do some blogging, reading of blogs.

7pm knock off timing.. the endless crowd with their expectations. i just came back after a week away for an off-site event, yet.. i am starting to dread the long long work days.. sat we ended nearly at 6pm.. tired, for i am not a machine, and there are more worthwhile events in my life.. 9 months have passed in 2007 and i am turning 27 so veri soon.. kinda sad that time is passing me by.. finally got the major pay adjustment i wanted.. the coffers are getting fuller, but nah.. the thought of maintaining jet black hair for the rest of my life is kinda scary.. i wanna do curls with colour, i wanna wear my big big earrings.. oh wellz.. gotta try harder.. else, i may really be struck forever.. ohh...

just opened the doors to the future home on sat.. din noe there was a market so close by and many little shops.. goodie.. lazy moi need not cook if food is easily available.. am starting to like the east and the food options, but i am still a westie at heart.. we've gotta start working on our reno plans soon.. shiacks.. mummie is going on a trip to Africa on Wednesday and i can't help feeling worried, silly old moi..

Gals Nite Out

been so buried in work that i forgot there's a Public Holiday this week. Sometimes i wonder, if you stop to chat with the workmates less, walk around less, maybe productivity would increase.
Oh wellz..

met up with the gals. Irin & An joined us for this round. We met for dinner at Sun with Moon. Everyone seems to be later then usual. normal knock off- meeting up time is now 8-9pm. late dinners. I din want to be the earliest, so i left office at 8. The B said i only needed to hand in that urgent report on friday, first thing in the morn.. hee.. so off for dinner i went..

forgot it was Hui's Hatchday on 31st. We got her a cake from nydc next door. Oreo Cheese. The selection of items was extensive. An, Irin & I chose the same item. Beef & Foie Gras Kamameshi. One of their chef's recomendation. The beef simply melts in your mouth and the foie gras was good. Topped over the steamed rice.. the combi quite goes. Jinny chose the tempura soba. Han had the grilled pork kamameshi. Everything looks yummy. Although I found my sesame five grain soup dessert with rice cake a tad too sweet. Will def bring the dear one here to try out the other items and creative desserts like tofu cheesecake and strawberry redbean pancake..yum!

we went to Merriott for after dinner drinks. Had Hui's cheesecake too, as we were disallowed to consume the cake at the resturant. silly rules. i must say i quite like the lounge there. we most prefer quiet cosy water holes rather than noisy crowded ones. they shared a bottle of red. i had ice latte as i din felt like drinking. Jin's hubby and An's Guang joined us too.

its was kindda funny actually. most of the bunch are up & coming bankers. offshore banking. loans. credit. cash mgt accounts. local vs foreign banks. Hui just had an interview for a marketing position with citi. Means she may become half a banker. Shicks.. that leaves only me, serving the gahmen and getting peanuts. and An, the journalist who is an economist by training. can't deny that banking pays. After all, Investment Bankers are the most highly paid last year. i hope Hui gets the job. it'll mean a huge huge pay jump for her. it also shows the huge pay diff between the public sector and the public sector. many says you serve the public not for the monetary rewards, but somehow you could not help feeling lacking. Bukit Timah addresses and the chi chi life. i will prob only be getting wat Hui stands to get as a starting pay, 10 years down the road. what motivates me? Singapore dreaming? or a meaningful existance with the simple?

this bunch is def diff from my jc group. that bunch is more heartlanderish. the conversation is diff, expectations and outlook too. Just like my soci mates are more into quality of life. maturity of thoughts and the theoratical. the exploration for the defination of society and the deconstruction, construction of self and issues related to the abstruct. totally diff from my econs mates with their dollars and sense. i tread between these groups, yet at times i just wanna struck a balance of all. am i asking for too much? herein lies the dilemma. wat i want out of my life? at times i ponder. The crux is contentment. this i have to search for. silly old me..